5 Stupid Things About FABLE: The Lost Chapters

I'd like to kick off what I hope will become somewhat of a series, with a game everyone can enjoy, Fable. It's made friends with both console and PC gamers, and it's generally considered to be very good, if not a must-play.

Also, my girlfriend has been playing this game non-stop. Add that exposure onto the fact that I've beaten the game three times myself - once as a bad character, once as a good character, once as a do-whatcha-feel-like character - and I feel like I know this game inside and out.

But with any playable game, there always seems to be nagging issues. Whether it's just OK, great, or even must-play classics. There is invariably stupid stuff that makes you wonder who beta tests this stuff. And it's in that spirit, I'd like to present, 5 Stupid Things About Fable. Since I have to encompass the whole game, serious spoilers do await ye. You've been warned.

5. Not being able to play Lady Grey like a suckah. Once you marry Lady Grey you can't expose her treachery to the world. This game is supposed to be open-ended for frag's sake. If you don't at least compete with Thunder to marry her then you can't get every silver key. I had to reload back ten save slots and over hours worth of game time just to get even with her. And you can't even kill her! I've managed to beat children to death in this game with my bear gauntlets and yet you can't take down the one nasty wench who deserves it.

4. The hidden treasure quest. Now, I'll admit. The whole thing is supposed to be a bit of a joke, since the holy grail turns out to be a bloody frying pan. But the weapon is still unique (it's still not the best, see #3) in that it's strong, fast, and can hold more augmentations than any other weapon in the game...unless of course you manage to solve the puzzle without all the clues. I actually played by the rules and figured out where to dig this thing up with only three clues during my first run of the game. The guild master acknowledges that I've done so without needing all the extra help...and the weapon is totally nerfed to be useless? What kind of logic is that? I mean really, what the hell? I'm punished for solving the riddle?

3. The best weapon in the game is sold next to red potions. In this game there's a sword stuck in a stone, swords hidden in treasure chests with multiple locks, and a sword that your arch rival and evil lord nemesis hunts your family to unlock the power of...and yet the best weapon in the game is bought in an item shop that you reach midway through the game. It's pretty ridiculous that you have nothing to look forward to from that point on, especially since the game makes such a big, dramatic deal out of the others. What a gyp.

2. The aging system. Dear lord, what a disaster. I don't see how anyone could play through all the main missions (forget about the side quests!) without ending up looking like a seventy year old man. Invariably, all of my characters became aged to a ludicrous degree before the game was even half over. You simply age way, way too fast. And this wouldn't be so much of an issue if it weren't for the fact that 99% of the other characters don't age at all! It's both sad and unintentionally hilarious/frustrating when Thunder mocks you as "boy" towards the end of the game since you've somehow magically aged to be his senior.

1. The free will choices. Most of the choices in this game are mind-bogglingly contrived. A simple yes or no, good or bad to be found at the same specific places in the game. This in itself wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that they've all been pre-designed to have minimal effect on the storyline. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Forget about trying to make a different set of choices because each choice is contained within itself and never affects another choice. In other words, bland and predictable. If you choose not to kill your sister, she suddenly decides to follow her own path and you never see her again. Choose not to kill Whisper and she decides to take an extended vacation...that's right you never see her again. Choose to kill Briar Rose - the only person capable of helping you reach your nemesis - and instead of having to do something else or some other quests - yes, that's right, Jack of Blades just blunders in with a voice over containing instructions on what to do. What?! Are you kidding me? Gah, that is so stupid.

Don't cry Fable, I'm only hard on you because I love you. Plus, there's always Fable 2 right? I hope you boys from Lion's Head are reading.